


so punk rock

by funkyfreshopossum



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, Heterosexuality, Loveless Marriages, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, dean and cas have an affair, it's literally them, mlm, mostly told from dean's perspective except it's third person, probably going to be depressing, shotgun wedding except it's fancy, there are light sex scenes so yea, they r so in love y'all, yea the title is a mccafferty song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28372905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkyfreshopossum/pseuds/funkyfreshopossum
Summary: dean hooks up with a woman resulting in her getting pregnant. in a panic they decide to get married for the sake of their child. though shortly before she comes to dean about the baby, dean has started going out with his long time best friend; castiel. not wanting to leave him for this woman he barely knows, dean and cas continue to go out in secret.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 4





	1. part 1 - before

Dean leaned on the railing of the balcony, taking a drag from his cigarette. The events from that night had been replaying in his head since he got the news. _What’s the worst that could happen? _She said, completely unaware of what that night would result in within the next few months. He was supposed to get married tomorrow, yet here he was, on the balcony of a hotel suite, away from his bride to be.__

____

____

“Baby, it’s late, what are you still doing up?” came a voice from behind.

“Just thinking..” Dean said, smiling softly.

“You should come back to bed, you have a big day tomorrow..” the voice said.

Dean took another drag of his cigarette. He turned around to meet the gaze of the figure standing in the doorway. He was wearing one of Dean’s flannels and his arms were crossed. Dean couldn’t help but smile at the silhouette of the man. Castiel was Dean’s best friend of 12 years and they had recently started going out when all this shit had happened.

Dean didn’t want to leave Castiel, he loved him. But he felt obligated to his child, so he agreed to marry it’s mother. But he could never stop loving Cas. They’d continued to go out in secret, not even Dean’s brother knew.

Dean smothered his cigarette into the bar of the balcony and threw it off. Dean walked back toward the hotel room, stopping in the doorway to give Castiel a kiss.

Cas kissed back. Dean pulled away and caressed the side of Castiel’s face, Cas leaned into the touch.

“Let’s go to bed.” Cas whispered.

They walked back into the room and got in the bed. Dean got in first and Cas followed close behind.

Dean laid on his back and Cas laid on his side, the side of his face resting on Dean’s bare chest. Dean had his arm wrapped around Castiel and they just laid there.

Cas quickly fell asleep again, but Dean wasn’t able to go back to sleep. He didn’t know why he was still awake.

Was it anticipation? Was it guilt? He didn’t know and he tried not to dwell on it too much, he laid with his eyes closed and unconsciously played with Cas’s hair. He felt Cas’s mouth curl into a smile. Dean also smiled.

Dean didn’t want this moment to end. They were content.

***

The sun slowly started to come up, and Dean watched the room gradually fill with more light.

Dean didn’t sleep that night, he just laid there with Cas in his arms, thinking about what would happen after today. He knew he loved Castiel, but he also felt obligated to his unborn child. He didn’t want to be like his father.

He wanted to be with Cas, but he couldn’t. Not really. Even if they continued to stay together while everyone else around them was oblivious to it, they could never truly have the relationship they craved.

No going out together in public, no physical affection when they’re around other people. They were trapped.

Dean was pulled from his thoughts by Cas stirring in his sleep.

“Hey, morning, sunshine.” Dean said affectionately with a soft smile on his face.

“Good morning, Dean.” Cas replied, voice still heavy with sleep. Dean thought it was incredibly sexy. “What time is it?” Cas asked.

Dean looked at his watch. “About 7:30.”

“We need to get ready.” Cas said, sitting up.

“Yeah, you’re right..” Dean said reluctantly.

“You’ve got a big day today, Dean. You’re getting married.” Cas said, the words felt like venom rolling off his tongue, but it was the inevitable truth.

“Yeah…” Dean said. He wished he could deny it. He didn’t want to get married to anyone that wasn’t Castiel, but he had an obligation.

Cas got out of the bed. “I have to take a shower.” was all he said. He gathered his discarded clothes that were on the floor from the night before and put them back in his bag. He then pulled out some different clothes to change into after he showered.

Dean continued to lay in bed for a second. He suddenly sat up, a smirk on his face. “Mind if I join you?” He asked playfully.

***

“Oh, fuck- Cas,” Dean moaned. He was pinned facing against the wall in the shower. Castiel had one hand on Dean’s hip and the other was jacking him off while he fucked Dean. Cas was kissing Dean’s neck and shoulders, but careful not to leave any noticeable marks.

“Shit, Cas- I’m close- fuck-” Dean exclaimed. Cas didn’t say anything in response; he just continued to jack Dean off.

Cas thrusted into Dean a couple more times before he came, Dean following soon after.

Cas pulled out of Dean. Dean turned around and sank to the floor of the shower, water still running.

Cas sank down to sit next to Dean. He leaned against Dean’s shoulder. Dean turned to kiss the top of Cas’s head.

“I love you, Cas..” Dean whispered.

Cas was silent for a moment. “I love you too, Dean…”

They sat there, in silence, water still running over them and slowly getting colder.

“I’m sorry…” was all Dean said, then he stood up and got out of the shower.

Ever since Dean had decided to marry that girl for the sake of their child, there had been a dark atmosphere over his and Cas’s relationship. Neither spoke of it, but it was extremely prominent. Sometimes Dean felt like he was drowning, he knew it was wrong of him to stay with Castiel, but he didn’t love this girl. Not really, he was obligated to her. That’s not the same as love.

Dean wrapped a towel around his waist and just stood in front of the mirror. He looked himself in the eyes and felt shame. He loved Castiel, he knew he did, but being with him just felt wrong sometimes.

Dean was lost in his thoughts so he didn’t notice when Cas came up behind him. He slightly jumped when Cas put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay..” Cas whispered.

Silence.

Dean continued to stare himself in the face, avoiding Castiel’s gaze.

He moved his hand to meet Cas’s. They stood like that, with Dean’s hand on top of Castiel’s, in a silence that slowly became more comfortable.

“We have to go meet Sam and Benny at noon- to get ready.” Dean muttered. Cas nodded silently in response.

Dean turned around. “Cas, I-”

“It’s okay, Dean.” Cas interrupted, “I forgive you.. I know you feel like you have to do this, and I’m okay with it.”

Cas leaned in to kiss Dean. Dean kissed back, craving more from the touch.

Castiel pulled away, leaning his forehead on Dean’s. A bead of water rolled down his face onto Dean’s.

“I love you so much..” Dean whispered, almost inaudibly.

“I know,” Cas whispered back.

Dean left the room and sat on their shared bed, head in his hands.

Cas walked back in a couple minutes later, wearing some random band tee and jeans along with Dean’s flannel from last night. It was a bit baggy on him, but Dean thought it looked perfect.

Dean smiled when he saw Cas. The thought of the domesticity behind sharing clothes. That was something he wanted to have - with Cas, of course - but he knew he never could.

_Maybe one day.. _he would think to himself on occasion. But every time he thought that he was soon brought back to reality - the reality where he wouldn’t be able to share clothes with Cas or even look at him a certain way when they’re around others. He craves a normal relationship with Cas, but it’s something he knows he can’t have.__

____

____

They have to have this shitty life instead - sneaking around and limited interactions. He can only see Cas so often after getting married without raising any kind of suspicion.

That’s why he chose to spend his last night as a bachelor with Cas. Dean didn’t know how often he would be able to see Castiel like this again after his wedding.

Dean got up and put on his underwear and some jeans. He didn’t bother with a shirt at that moment. He put on his heavy leather coat and went outside on the balcony.

He went to stand in the same place he was mere hours ago. To think.

He pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it up. He looked over the now lit city and took a drag on his cigarette.

After a few moments, Castiel was next to him. “You know, it’s not healthy to smoke around a baby..” was all he said.

Dean didn’t look at him. “Then I won’t smoke around it..” Dean replied.

“Dean-”

“Look, Cas- I don’t need to hear the ‘it’s not your fault, it’s okay’ shit again, okay?” Dean snapped.

“Dean, don’t do this-” Cas said.

“Do what?” Dean asked.

“This is what you do when shit gets tough! You close off and bottle stuff up until you get angry at everything and then take it out on people who don’t deserve it! I understand your situation, and I’m okay with it. I’ve accepted that we can’t really be together, but for this to work, you need to accept it too.”

Dean was silent for a moment. He turned his head to look at Cas. “I’m sorry.” he whispered.

“I know..” Cas replied. He kissed Dean on the lips, Dean kissed back.

Dean pulled away. “I just- I feel so overwhelmed.. I don’t know how we’re gonna do this and I just-”

Cas cut him off by kissing his lips again. Dean leaned into the touch.

Cas pulled away and leaned his forehead on Dean’s once again. “We’ll figure it out..” Cas whispered.

Dean pulled away and held Cas’s chin in his hand. He could see a silent tear slide down Castiel’s face. _God, he’s beautiful.. _Dean thought to himself.__

____

____

Dean leaned to kiss Castiel’s forehead. His lips lingered on the spot for another moment.

“Let’s go get ready to go now..” Dean said.

Dean could feel Cas nod. They walked back into the hotel room to pack up their things.

He gathered his clothes and put them in his bag, he also pulled out a plain black t-shirt to put on. He took off his leather jacket and stuffed it into his bag. He started to pick up Cas’s things when he heard a voice from the other side of the room.

“I can get my own things, you know,” he said.

“Yeah, I know,” Dean replied, still picking up Castiel’s things and putting them in his bag.

“We should be going to meet them now,” Cas said, changing the subject.

Dean didn’t say anything in response, he just continued to pack Castiel’s things.

He finished and put Cas’s bag on the bed along with his own. He walked over to Cas and caressed his cheek.

“You go ahead and go down, I’ll be right behind you to check us out.” Dean said.

Cas leaned in to kiss Dean’s lips. “Okay,” he whispered.

Cas grabbed his things and he walked out of the room. Dean sat on the bed, putting his head in his hands. Finally allowing himself to cry.

He didn’t really understand why he was crying. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he was about to lose Castiel. They’d still be in touch, and they would try to stay together as long as they could, but once he gets married, he’ll never be able to have Cas again. Not in the way that he wants him.

In everyone else’s eyes, they’d have to pretend like they were just friends, and they’d only have so much time to spend together as something more, but it would never be enough. Not for Dean, at least.

Dean sat there, silently crying for the next few minutes. He knew Cas was waiting for him outside the hotel, so he needed to leave soon.

He finally got up and went to the bathroom so he could see what he looked like before he left. He was relieved that it wasn’t too obvious that he’d been crying. He splashed some water on his face, though. Just to be sure.

He went back into the bedroom and picked up his bag. He finally gathered everything and walked out of the hotel room.

He took the elevator down to the lobby. When he arrived he went to the front desk to check himself and Cas out.

After that was done, he walked out of the hotel and saw Cas sitting on a bench outside.

He tapped Cas on the shoulder, Cas looked up and smiled. “Ready to go?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded. They made their way to Dean’s car. Dean got in on the driver’s side, Cas on the passenger.

Dean pulled out of the parking lot and he started driving. They sat in a comfortable silence. Dean didn’t put on any music. He wanted to cherish his last moments with Castiel.

Dean unconsciously moved his hand toward Castiel’s. Cas did the same. They held hands for the remainder of the drive.

Even though he was going to lose Cas in the coming hours, he couldn’t be happier.


	2. part 2 - the wedding

Dean was standing in front of a mirror, adjusting his tie. Sam, Cas, and Benny were in the other room also getting ready.

Dean finished with his tie and looked at himself in the mirror. He was wearing a nice black suit, and under his shirt he had on the necklace that Sam had given him when they were younger.

Dean was nervous about the ceremony. Not just because this was only happening because of the baby, but because Dean hadn’t invited a lot of people. He had never met anyone on Lisa’s side of the family, so there would be a lot of awkward introductions.

He and Lisa had practiced what they were going to say when people had asked them about their relationship, Dean was just scared he would fuck it up.

No one on Lisa’s side of the family knew about the baby. As far as they were concerned, she and Dean were actually in love. The only person that knew other than the two of them was Cas.

Not even Sam knew.

Dean didn’t notice when Cas had walked in the room. He was too caught up in his thoughts to be paying attention to the things around him. He only noticed that he wasn’t alone when Cas was right behind him.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas said.

Dean jumped a bit. “Jesus, Cas- you scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry..” Cas said.

Dean turned around to look at him. He was wearing a similar suit to Dean.

“You look good, Dean.” Cas said.

_You’re beautiful.. _Dean thought. “You’re not too bad looking yourself, Cas.” Dean said, with a smile.__

____

____

Dean wanted to reach out to him, to hold him. To kiss him. But he knew he couldn’t, anyone could’ve walked through that door at any time, and Dean didn’t wanna take that chance. 

“Cas-” 

“I know, Dean. You don’t have to keep apologizing.. It’s okay.” Cas said, cutting Dean off.

“I know, I just- I shouldn’t have to put you through this shit. This isn’t your problem but I’m making it yours..” Dean said, looking down.

Cas moved forward and put his hand under Dean’s chin. He brought Dean’s face back up so they could make eye contact. “It’s fine, Dean. This isn’t a burden you should have to face alone anyway.”

Dean looked back down. “I wish I could kiss you..” He said at a whisper that was almost inaudible.

“Maybe later,” Cas replied, with a slight chuckle.

“Hm, yeah..” Dean said, smiling softly.

Cas let go of Dean’s face, but Dean wanted it to last longer.

Sam walked in soon after Cas had pulled away, so the scene looked normal enough to an outsider when he came in.

“Dean,” he said. “Everything’s ready. It’s time for us to get out there.”

“Okay, Sammy.” Dean said.

***

Dean was standing at the altar with Cas right next to him and Sam and Benny close behind. Lisa’s bridesmaids were standing in front of him. They were all waiting for her now.

Suddenly, “Here Comes the Bride” started playing over the speakers, prompting everyone to stand.

Actually seeing how many people who were invited by Lisa grouped together made Dean anxious. He didn’t have much family so he only ended up inviting a few friends. Some of Cas’s family was also there, but it was only the people that Dean had met and felt comfortable inviting.

Lisa had finally made her way to the altar and everyone sat down. The priest that was marrying them had started his speech about the sanctity of marriage and all that, but Dean wasn’t really paying attention to any of it. He just knew he had to speak on his cue.

Lisa had recited her vows, and now it was Dean’s turn; “Well, I’m not really good at expressing how I feel, but here I go- Lisa, the first time I saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Ever since we met, I knew you would be the one for me.

“I never thought that in a million years, someone like you would fall in love with someone like me, but here we are. You are the most caring person I know, knowing you has made me a better person. I care about you more than you’ll ever know. The things I say to you are only a fraction of my thoughts. I hope you know how much you mean to me, even if I don’t say it often. Even if I’m an asshole sometimes, I hope you know.

“Lisa Braeden, I love you with my whole heart.” Dean said, finishing his speech. He looked up and saw that she was crying a bit.

The priest continued, “Do you, Lisa Braeden, take Dean Winchester to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse.”

“I do,” she replied. Dean slipped the silver wedding band on her finger.

“Do you, Dean Winchester, take Lisa Braeden to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse.”

Dean’s mouth felt dry, he clenched his jaw and swallowed. “I do.”

Lisa put the other silver wedding band on Dean’s finger. “You may now kiss the bride,” said the priest.

Dean put his hand around the back of Lisa’s neck and pulled her in. He pressed his lips against hers and caressed the side of her face. _Might as well make it look believable.. _Dean thought to himself.__

__He pulled away and smiled at her, she smiled back._ _

__***_ _

__Dean and Lisa were having their first dance. They were slowly swaying on the dancefloor while everyone watched them. Dean didn’t see Cas, but he was probably lost in the crowd somewhere._ _

__The song ended and Dean went to look for him. After a couple of minutes of looking around he went to ask Sam._ _

__“Hey, Sammy, did you happen to see where Cas went?”_ _

__“I think he went to the bathroom.” Sam replied._ _

__“Alright, cool. I’ll go get him, he has to make a speech soon anyway.” Dean said. Sam nodded and Dean went off to find the bathrooms._ _

__When he got there he opened the door and didn’t see anyone._ _

__He stood in there for a couple of seconds and eventually he heard someone crying in a stall._ _

__“Cas.. Is that you?” Dean asked._ _

__The crying stopped, and the stall door opened. Cas stepped out._ _

__Dean walked over to him. He put a hand on Cas’s shoulder. “Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” Dean asked softly._ _

__Cas pulled Dean close and leaned into the crook of his neck. “I love you too. I feel the same way, I love you too.” Cas whispered._ _

__“Is this about my vows? Cas- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset, I-”_ _

__Cas lifted his head. “I’m not upset, I just- I wasn’t expecting something so heartfelt.” Cas said, laughing a bit. “I feel the same way about you, Dean.. I love you so much.”_ _

__Dean didn’t say anything in response. He leaned in and kissed Castiel. The kiss was deep and passionate. They both loved every second of it._ _

__Dean pulled away. “We should probably get back now..”_ _

__“Yeah..” Cas replied._ _

__***_ _

__Dean was sitting at the wedding party table with Lisa on his left and Castiel on his right. Dean wanted to hold Cas’s hand under the table, but he held Lisa’s instead._ _

__Lisa’s maid of honor was making a speech, but Dean wasn’t really paying attention. He was lost in his thoughts once again. He missed Lisa dancing with her father, and he also missed the time where he would’ve danced with his mother if she were still alive. Dean didn’t have anyone to replace his mom for the role of dance partner, so he just decided to skip out on it all together. Dancing wasn’t really his thing, anyway._ _

__“Well, I think I’ve droned on long enough. I think it’s Dean’s best man’s turn to talk now. Castiel, take it away.” was all Dean heard before he felt Cas reach over his head to grab the microphone from Lisa’s maid of honor. Dean had forgotten her name, it was something like Heather or Hannah._ _

__“Well, uh- Dean should know I’m not really one for speeches, but I’ll give one for him. Dean, it’s so awesome that you fell in love and found someone who actually wanted to be with you forever. I remember when we were in high school and all the girls in our grade wanted to hook up with you and you turned them all down. I honestly thought that you weren’t gonna find someone because of that._ _

__“But then you did. You found Lisa and you found happiness. You deserve the world, man. I love you, and I hope she treats you right.” Cas said, ending his speech. Dean smiled softly._ _

__Cas was right, he sucked at speeches, but it meant everything to Dean._ _

__***_ _

__The night continued with drinking and dancing. Dean wasn’t really paying attention to anything other than Cas, though._ _

__Cas mostly spent the night drinking, occasionally he would dance with someone, either his step sister that Dean had invited, Anna, or one of Lisa’s bridesmaids. But he mostly stuck to drinking._ _

__Dean was starting to regret going with the unlimited bar option as he forgot how much alcohol Cas was able to handle._ _

__Dean didn’t drink much, he knew Lisa wouldn’t be able to drink, so they came up with some bullshit excuse about how they were trying to watch how much they drank. It was believable enough._ _

__Dean was standing outside of the reception area, smoking a cigarette. He knew he should probably quit with the baby and all that, but he left that as a problem to handle for another day._ _

__Dean heard the door he was near abruptly open. He turned his head to see who it was. He smiled. It was Cas._ _

__“Hey, Cas..” Dean said._ _

__“Heya, Dean,” Cas slurred. He was shitfaced._ _

__“How much have you had to drink, Cas?” Dean asked, concerned._ _

__“I don’t know. I lost count around two hours ago,” Cas said._ _

__He made his way toward Dean and pulled him into a tight hug._ _

__Dean leaned into the touch for a moment, but ultimately realized he shouldn’t be doing this, not out in the open._ _

__“Cas..” Dean said._ _

__“Alright, alright.. I know,” Cas said. He was silent for a moment, then; “How about we take this to the bathroom then, just you and me..” he whispered seductively._ _

__“Cas- you’re drunk, I’m not gonna have sex with you in the bathroom..” Dean sighed._ _

__“Fine, whatever..” Cas said. He took a step back from Dean._ _

__They were in a bit of an awkward silence for a moment._ _

__“It’s uh- it’s almost time for everyone to go home.. Do you need me to take you home, Cas?” Dean asked._ _

__“It’s fine, I’ll make Anna take me home.” Cas said simply._ _

__“She’s been drinking all night too.” Dean retorted._ _

__“Fine, Gabriel then.” Cas slurred._ _

__“I’m pretty sure he’s as shitfaced as you are, babe.” Dean chuckled._ _

__“Fine.. you can take me home I guess..” Cas surrendered._ _

__“Alright, I’ll just go tell Lisa that I’m taking you home, and then I’ll be right back out.” Dean said, taking one last drag on his cigarette before flicking it onto the ground and stepping on it to make sure it was completely out._ _

__Dean walked back inside the building to go look for Lisa. Mostly everything had calmed down at this point, there were just a few people left on the dance floor. Mostly everyone had left or was sitting at their table and making small talk with the people around them._ _

__Dean found Lisa sitting at their table talking to one of her bridesmaids. He walked up to them._ _

__“Hey, Lis, I think I’m gonna go ahead and take Cas home- he’s pretty shitfaced right now and anyone else that would be willing to take him is either drunk or not here.” Dean said simply._ _

__“Okay, Dean.” She said. “I’ll see you at home, right?”_ _

__Home… The thought that his home was with Lisa now sent a shiver down Dean’s spine, but he ignored it for now._ _

__“Yeah.” He replied, faking a smile._ _

__She seemed satisfied with the interaction and carried on her conversation with the bridesmaid. I should probably learn some of her friend’s names.. Dean thought to himself._ _

__Dean made his way back outside and he saw Cas standing in the same spot he left him._ _

__“Hey Cas, come on- let’s get you home,” Dean said. He walked over to Cas and put his arm around the back of his neck to hold him upright._ _

__He dragged Cas all the way to his car and buckled him in the passenger’s side. Afterward, Dean made his way to the driver’s side._ _

__They drove in another comfortable silence, holding each other’s hands once again._ _

__They made their way to Cas’s apartment complex. Dean got Cas’s things out of the trunk of the car then helped him out as well._ _

__They walked into the lobby area and Dean cursed under his breath when he saw that the elevator had an out of order sign on it._ _

__Dean and Cas eventually made their way to Cas’s apartment on the third floor. It wouldn’t have been that hard to walk up three flights of stairs if Cas wasn’t shitface drunk and half conscious._ _

__Dean unlocked Cas’s apartment with the key he had. Since he and Cas had been seeing each other they had keys to each other’s homes so they could drop in anytime. Though Dean heavily discouraged this in the future due to his situation._ _

__“Come on, we’re almost there,” Dean said. Cas responded with some nonsense that didn’t really sound like English._ _

__Dean had finally gotten Cas to his bedroom, and immediately after walking in he flopped onto the bed. He started taking off his shoes and tie, but gave up after getting his left sock off prompting Dean to finish undressing him._ _

__Once Dean got Cas in just his boxers, he threw a random t-shirt from Cas’s closet at him._ _

__As Dean was walking out of Cas’s bedroom he heard a noise._ _

__“What, Cas?” Dean said._ _

__“Stay for a bit,” Cas slurred._ _

__“Cas.. I can’t- Lisa’s expecting me at our horse…” Dean said. He really wanted to stay, but he knew he couldn’t._ _

__Dean walked back over to Cas. He was laying on top of his blanket with his t-shirt half on. Dean leaned down to kiss him on the lips, Cas weakly kissed back._ _

__“I love you, Castiel.” Dean whispered._ _

__“I love you too, Dean..” Cas replied._ _

__“I’ll see you soon…” Dean said, and with that he walked out of Cas’s apartment._ _

__***_ _

__Dean unlocked his own apartment quietly. He didn’t want to risk waking Lisa up if she was already in bed._ _

__The apartment was quiet when he walked in, so he assumed that Lisa was asleep._ _

__Dean walked into their bedroom and made his way to their closet. He got some sweatpants from his side of their shared area. He discarded his wedding clothes and traded them for the far more comfortable sweatpants. Afterward he noticed a figure in the bed, confirming that Lisa was already at least in bed._ _

__He climbed into bed next to her. He didn’t want to wake her so he didn’t make any attempt to be more near her._ _

__He laid in bed next to her, trying to sleep, but his thoughts kept him up._ _

__Even though he was married and in bed with his wife, he couldn’t help thinking about his blue eyed angel; Castiel._ _


	3. part 3 - the honeymoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long amount of time between this chapter and the last, i am in a constant state of writer's block but i tried to get something out in a timely fashion.

**five days after the wedding;**

********

********

“How much longer do you think you guys are gonna be gone?” asked the voice on the other end of the phone line. 

“I don’t know, man. I wanna see you too, I promise..” Dean said. 

Dean heard footsteps approaching where he was. “Shit- Cas, I gotta go, I’ll talk to you soon-” Dean said hurriedly. 

“Okay.. goodbye, Dean. I lov-” 

Dean hung up the phone before Cas could finish his sentence, he didn’t want to risk Lisa hearing. 

“Who was that on the phone, honey?” Lisa asked, walking into their bedroom. 

“Oh, just Sam. You know how he is, worrying all the time.” Dean said. He gave a convincingly fake smile. 

They had driven to California for their honeymoon. There were nice beaches and other stuff for them to do that didn’t involve getting shitfaced. For most of it they had just taken walks on the beach and gone into antique shops to look around at the old stuff. It was simple, but they both enjoyed it. 

Dean didn’t like being away from Cas, though. In their years of knowing each other, they hadn’t spent much time apart. Dean had only realized this after he was in a different state than Cas.

He tried to call Castiel as much as possible, though. Usually when Lisa was out doing things or when she was in the shower. They’d also text a lot after Lisa had gone to bed. She was usually out around 9:00 or 10:00pm and Dean and Cas would text until the early hours of the morning, losing track of time in each other’s company

Lisa was still completely oblivious to her husband’s other relationship, which made Dean extremely relieved.

***

Dean and Lisa went to dinner at a restaurant by the beach. They walked back to the hotel afterward, and Lisa went to bed almost immediately after.

It was early but they were going to be leaving pretty early in the morning, so they needed to both be well rested.

Dean took this opportunity to sneak out onto the balcony and call Cas.

He got a cigarette out of his coat and lit it up. He took a long drag on it before pulling out his phone and calling Cas.

The phone rang a couple of times before Cas picked up.

“Hey, Cas.. sorry about earlier,” Dean half whispered.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas said in return.

“Listen, I can’t talk long, Cas..” Dean said, “But we’re supposed to be starting on our way back home tomorrow.”

“Okay, Dean.” Cas said blankly.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean asked, concerned.

“Yeah, Dean. I just- I want to see you..” Cas said, sighing.

“I wanna see you too..” Dean said. “I’ll be home soon, I promise.”

“Okay..” Cas said.

“I mean it, Cas. When I get home we can go out for drinks or something.” Dean said, faintly smiling at the thought.

“I.. I miss you.. living here, in my house, with me..” Cas said, his voice slightly breaking.

“I know… I’m sorry, Cas, I really am.. I wish things were different…” Dean said, inhaling more smoke from his cigarette. Keeping it in his lungs for a few seconds longer than he knows he should.

“It’s not your fault, Dean..” was all Cas said.

They were both silent for what felt like forever. Dean, staring out at the gentle waves in the ocean. Cas, doing God knows what.

Finally, Cas spoke; “You.. you should probably get going now..”

Dean didn’t say anything for a second.

“Yeah…”

Dean took another drag of his cigarette. “I love you.. so much…”

“I love you too, Dean..” Cas said back.

Neither of them said goodbye, they sat in silence for another moment longer. Neither recalled hanging up, but the call did end. Dean finished off his cigarette and put the butt in the ashtray on the small table next to him.

He quietly walked back into the room, careful not to wake Lisa.

She turned over in her sleep, but ultimately she was unbothered.

Dean took his coat and shirt off and changed into some loose fitting sweatpants.

He got into the bed as quietly as he could as to not wake Lisa.

He tried to sleep but he was unable to for many hours, still only thinking of Castiel.

***

Dean felt like he had only just gotten to sleep when his and Lisa’s alarm had gone off.

He and Lisa individually got out of bed. Neither bothered to shower as they had only half an hour to leave the hotel.

They got all their things together and checked out. Dean got a coffee at the cafe in the lobby to try and keep himself awake and Lisa laid down in the backseat to try and get some more sleep. The pregnancy had seriously decreased her energy levels even though she was barely two months pregnant.

Dean didn’t play his music too loud as to not disturb her. He was just alone with his thoughts.

His thoughts mostly involved Cas.

***

They pulled into a motel at around 10:47pm so they could take a break from driving. They had been on the road for about 13 hours and Dean needed a break. They still had about 10-11 hours to go before they got back to their place in Kansas.

When they got into their room Dean dropped his things and made a beeline to the bathroom. He checked his phone for the first time since they stopped for gas at around 2:30 and he noticed a missed call from Cas.

He didn’t have time to return it so instead he powered down his phone. He splashed some water on his face and walked back into the bedroom area.

Lisa was already in bed half asleep. Dean removed his shirt and coat and got into the bed with her.

He still didn’t make any move to be near her in bed, instead only thinking of Castiel.

***

**eight days after the wedding ******

They finally arrived back home after hours of driving, Dean was extremely tired from the journey. Lisa had put her things down and went into their bathroom to take a shower.

Dean changed out of his clothes into something more comfortable. A loose fitting t-shirt and some sweatpants. He decided to lay down for a bit.

He didn’t remember falling asleep, but he woke up some time around four in the morning.

He didn’t really know what to do as he didn’t want to wake Lisa, so he just laid there. Thinking.

**ten days after the wedding ******

Dean felt truly happy for the first time in days. He was on his way to go see Cas. Lisa was out of town for the weekend for a family event so Dean was by himself. He wanted to take this rare opportunity to spend his time with Cas. 

He had called Cas beforehand to make sure it was okay to be able to stay the night. Cas sounded happy on the other end of the phone. 

This was the first time the two had seen each other since the wedding. 

*** 

Dean nervously stood outside of Cas’s apartment. He decided to knock rather than just walking in. 

Cas opened the door a moment after he heard the knock. He smiled upon seeing who was at the door. “Hello, Dean.” 

“Heya, Cas.” Dean said, “How’ve ya been?” 

“I’m good now that you’re here, Dean.” Cas said. He moved out of the doorway slightly so Dean could come in. 

His apartment was the exact same as Dean had left it when he dropped Cas off that night. 

“So,” Dean started, “what do you wanna do? I have all weekend.” 


	4. part 4 - the weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for this part-  
> light depictions of self harm/suicide

Dean and Cas spent most of the night watching random films and eating pizza. As more time passed they both grew tired. At around midnight they decided to go to bed.

Dean changed into some sweatpants that he had in one of Cas’s drawers and cas put on some plaid pyjama pants and a loose white t-shirt.

Dean got in on his side of the bed, noticing that his pillow smelled a bit more like Cas than it had the last time he was there. Dean smiled softly at the idea of Cas curling up and cuddling this pillow in his absence.

Cas climbed into bed shortly after Dean. He scooted over and lay his head on Dean’s chest. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’s back, using his other hand to play with Cas’s hair.

Dean turned off the lamp on his side of the bed. They sat in the darkness, only having the company of each other.

Dean couldn’t be happier.

***

**eleven days after the wedding ******

Dean woke up some time in the early morning. He noticed that Cas was no longer in the bed with him. Dean assumed that he was in the bathroom.

Dean closed his eyes to try and go back to sleep but the cold air from outside was making him unable.

Dean slowly got up and made his way over to the window. He was about to close the window when he noticed a figure outside sitting on the fire escape and dangling their legs off the edge.

Dean climbed out the window and sat next to whoever was on the fire escape. The person didn’t notice when Dean had joined them. Dean turned his head to look at who he was sitting next to. It was Cas.

Cas was looking down at his arms, absentmindedly rubbing his wrist with his thumb.

Dean stared at Cas for a moment, silent.

Eventually, he spoke; “Cas, baby, what are you doing out here?”

Cas stayed silent for a moment, and Dean thought that Cas didn’t hear him.

Instead of saying anything, Cas leaned his head onto Dean’s shoulder.

Dean put his arm around Cas’s shoulder. He pulled Cas’s hand away from his wrist.

Dean noticed a gash on Cas’s wrist in the faint light from the rising sun. He didn’t say anything about it, but he knew what it was. Cas didn’t say anything either.

They sat in silence for what felt like forever until Dean spoke up. “Let’s go back to bed.”

“Okay,” Cas replied in no more than a whisper.

Dean got up and extended his hand to Cas. Cas took it and Dean helped him up.

Dean climbed back into the bedroom through the window first, Cas following shortly after.

Dean closed and locked the window, then making his way toward the bed.

Cas was already in bed, facing the opposite direction of Dean. Dean climbed in next to Cas. He faced the same direction Cas was facing and put his arm around Cas’s torso.

Cas didn’t say anything about it.

Dean thought he heard a faint crying noise as he closed his eyes.

***  
Dean woke up once again hours later, Cas still in his arms. Dean smiled softly, listening to Castiel’s breathing. He could tell that Cas wasn’t asleep because of his breathing pattern, but Dean still didn’t want to disturb him.

Dean thought back to what he saw last night on Cas’s wrist. He knew Cas has had problems with self harm before, he just didn’t know they had resurfaced once again.

Cas hadn't told him. Cas usually told him when he relapsed, but Dean had been busy the last few weeks.

Dean made the decision to not say anything about what he saw, Cas would tell him when he felt ready to.

Dean felt Cas shift under his arm. Cas turned over and faced Dean.

Dean opened his mouth to say something to Cas but before he got a chance to get any words out he felt Cas nuzzle his head into Dean’s chest.

Dean shut his mouth and pulled Cas closer to him.

“I’m sorry,” he heard Cas mutter into his chest. He said it over and over again, his voice breaking more each time.

Dean rubbed circles into Cas’s back, trying to comfort him. Telling him that it’s okay.

Dean kissed the top of Cas’s head. It felt a bit wet from sweat, but Dean didn’t mind.

Cas looked up at Dean, eyes bloodshot from tears. Dean moved his hand to wipe the tears from Cas’s face. He gently planted a kiss on Cas’s forehead.

Dean turned to lay on his back, Cas moving along with him to lay his head on Dean’s stomach.

It was silent for a moment.

Cas pulled his arm out from under the blanket, his wrist looked worse in the full light. Dean grimaced at the sight.

“Yeah, I know.. It’s bad.” Cas said, turning his head to look at Dean.

Dean didn’t say anything, he just looked down at Cas.

“It was that night you called and said you’d be home soon..” Cas continued, slightly chuckling. “I don’t know why I did it.. I regretted it immediately and I tried to make it stop bleeding.

“Eventually, it did. Obviously. It just hurts when I use my arm now, but I think it should be okay in the next couple of weeks.”

Dean still didn’t say anything, he just grabbed Cas’s hand. He brought their hands down onto his chest and they lay like that for a few minutes.

Eventually, Dean did speak; “I’ll make us some breakfast.”

“That sounds nice..” Cas said, faintly smiling.

***

There was a bit of tension between the two of them after that interaction. Dean didn’t want to upset Cas any further and Cas didn’t want Dean to be walking on eggshells around him. They ate the food that Dean made in silence, occasionally stealing glances at each other.

No matter what, Dean loves Cas, and Cas loves Dean. Nothing was going to change that.

***

They decided to go out to the movies that evening. There wasn’t really anything in particular that either of them wanted to see, so they decided on some old rerun of a Christmas movie that was playing that night despite it being the middle of February.

They sat in the back of the theatre, though they had numerous seat choices seeing as they were the only ones attending this particular showing of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”.

Dean was settling into their seats while Cas was still out in the lobby getting their movie snacks.

Cas eventually made his way to the theatre with the popcorn and soda that Dean had paid for.

Cas sat in the seat next to Dean with the popcorn bucket in his lap. Dean put his arm around Cas’s shoulder and Cas leaned his head into the crook of Dean’s neck.

A few minutes into the movie Dean heard a woman’s voice from the entrance to the theatre. Shortly after a woman and a taller man made their way into the theatre. Dean looked closely and realized. _Shit, _he thought to himself.__

__He quickly sat up and moved his arm from around Cas, Cas sat up and looked at him in confusion. Dean pointed down to the man and woman around the bottom rows, still trying to figure out where to sit._ _

__“It’s Sam and Jess,” Dean whispered to Cas. Cas nodded, understanding._ _

__Sam and Jess eventually sat down a few rows ahead of Dean and Cas, not noticing them._ _

__The rest of the movie passed, Dean and Cas silently laughed at the funny parts. As the movie went on, neither of them made any advance to be more intimate with the other out of fear that they’d get caught. Their hands occasionally touched when they went to get popcorn, but that was about it._ _

__They waited for Jess and Sam to leave the room before they got up to leave._ _

__The two sat in silence for a few minutes, watching the younger couple. Dean was getting anxious. They hadn’t seen them, there’s no reason for them to turn around and acknowledge them._ _

__Eventually Sam and Jess did leave, allowing Dean to release the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding._ _

__Dean and Cas decided to wait a few more minutes after Sam and Jess had left, just to be sure._ _

__They eventually made their way out of the theatre and made their way back to Dean’s car._ _

__They pulled out of the parking lot and sat in silence as Dean drove for a few minutes._ _

__Eventually, Dean did speak; “I’m so sorry about that, I had no idea that they were gonna be there, I swear.”_ _

__“It’s fine,” Cas absentmindedly replied, looking out the window, fidgeting with the bandage Dean put on his wrist that morning._ _

__“Seriously,” Dean said, “I’m sorry our date got ruined.. How about we go back to my place instead.”_ _

__Cas smiled a bit. “Okay, Dean.”_ _

__***_ _

__Dean parked in the lot of the apartment complex in which he lived. Initially he and Lisa had decided to move into his place on account of it having more space but also so it would be more convenient for Cas._ _

__They walked up the stairs to the second floor and made their way toward Dean’s door._ _

__Dean pulled out his key and unlocked the door, when he walked in everything was relatively unchanged from when he had left it._ _

__Cas followed shortly behind Dean, taking in everything. “I’ve missed this place..” Cas sighed._ _

__“I’ve missed you,” Dean said, turning around to embrace Cas. He moved his hands to cup Cas’s face and kiss him deeply. Cas melted into the kiss, running his hands under Dean’s shirt._ _

__Dean broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against Cas’s, “Do you wanna maybe-”_ _

__Cas kissed him again, with more force this time. He pulled back for a moment and nodded._ _

__They made their way toward the bedroom, Dean losing his shirt somewhere along the way._ _

__“Fuck, I’ve missed this,” Dean whispered._ _

__Cas pushed Dean onto the bed, kissing him slowly along the mouth and jaw._ _

__He lay on top of Dean, slowly kissing him along his shoulders and collarbone._ _

__At some point Cas also lost his shirt along with his pants. He came back up to Dean’s face and whispered in a gruff voice; “Come on, take ‘em off.”_ _

__Dean did as he was told in one swift motion. He moved his arm over to his bedside table where he rummaged through the top drawer for a moment._ _

__He eventually grabbed what he was looking for and handed it to Cas. Cas set it down beside them, continuing to kiss Dean. They weren’t going to use it just yet, for now they were going to just continue making out._ _

__***  
They lay in the bed, limbs entwined. Their sweaty bodies sticking together._ _

__Dean kissed the top of Cas’s head. “I love you so much,” he whispered into Cas’s hair._ _

__“I love you too,” Cas replied._ _

__They fell asleep laying together, undisturbed._ _

__***_ _

__**twelve days after the wedding ******_ _

Dean woke up in his bed with Cas looking at him. “Morning, sunshine.” Dean said with a smile.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas replied. Dean leaned in to kiss him.

“Your phone’s been buzzing for a while, I didn’t want to wake you, though. You look so peaceful when you sleep.” Cas said.

Dean picked up his phone from the night stand and read the notifications on his home screen. He had three missed calls from Lisa.

He listened to the most recent voicemail she had left, from about twenty minutes ago; _“Hey, Dean. It’s Lisa, look, I’m gonna be home soon, okay? I was thinking maybe tonight we could go out to dinner, y’know, a date or something. Anyway, I think I’ll be home in about an hour, I’ll see you. Love you, bye.” ___

“Shit,” Dean exclaimed, jumping out of bed. He rushed around the room to try and find his clothes.

Cas sat up in bed, “Dean, calm down, you’re overreacting.”

Dean stopped and looked at Cas. He took a deep breath, “You’re right, I am overreacting. I’m just scared, man. This is a really close call..”

“I get it, Dean. You’re worried. Look, you go take a shower and I’ll handle cleaning. When she gets back, we can just tell her that you invited me over to hang out. It won’t be that big of a deal.” Cas said.

“Okay,” Dean said. “I can do this- We can do this.”

“Good, now, go shower. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Dean said, making his way toward the bathroom.

***

Half an hour later the apartment looked just as it had the night before. Dean put on some new clothes while Cas put on his clothes from the previous night. Dean had sprayed an air freshener in the bedroom, just in case.

They sat on opposite ends of the couch, flipping through the channels to see what would be on at 11:30 in the morning on a Sunday.

Lisa had come in around 11:45, not thinking much of Cas’s random visit. She knew that he and Dean were good friends, and even if she didn’t like him much, she didn’t want to vocalize it in front of Dean.

Cas eventually left, deciding to take the bus home, and Dean and Lisa went to a restaurant that she had picked out. It was one of the last times they’d be able to do something like this with the baby.

When they got home Dean went straight into bed, claiming to be extremely tired, which wasn’t far from the truth. He was exhausted and he missed Cas despite seeing him only hours before.

He went to sleep some time around 9:00, only thinking of the next time he would get to see Cas.


End file.
